January 10, 2014

We went for a consultation about neurofeedback on January 8 to discuss the results of Dean's brain map done on Monday. I appreciated Ruth going due to the cold weather and difficultly to find parking along with her loving support. The results were quite overwhelming and it was a lot of information to take in only to reiterate what we already know about the seriousness of Dean's head injury. I asked the doctor, "How many cases have you seen like Dean?" Out of 1800 clients she has treated with biofeedback and neurotherapy, about 15-30 were on Dean's level of intensity.

Upon entering her office, Dean and I sat on a couch lined with stuffed animals and the doctor sat in a rocking chair to ask questions about Dean's accident and medical history. She spoke softly and I answered her questions. Meanwhile, I was holding his left hand gently and his eyes grew bigger as I shared. Then he begin to hit my leg until I slid down the couch. He called me liar and so on, still being very agitated when I share his medical history. 
The doctor found 2 things very interesting about Dean's vision:
- That in the past since his accident, Dean identified color or shades which is hopeful something is connecting. Even though it was inconsistent and only few times.
-Last spring, we were told by a specialist that he may have cortical blindness along with optic nerve damage. Cortical blindness, which is the total or partial loss of vision in a normal-appearing eye caused by damage to the brain's occipital cortex. However, his pupils have not responded to light since the accident which indicates a significant amount of optic nerve damage from the initial impact directly to his eyes. 
She once had a patient years ago with cortical blindness. After 3 treatments, he noticed the outline of flowers on a table. He then was able to walk a little better as we all know how difficult it would be to walk with our eyes closed. She doesn't recall more details of this specific case and he likely never received all of his vision back. However, she is taking note to watch and see how Dean responds to the treatment. 
We scheduled the next three Wednesdays for treatments at their Frederick office. We will be watching for any noticeable changes in Dean. It is common for him to have a headache, some memory pain of former injuries such as his leg, temperature changes, and tiredness. But these should last temporarily and I'll be giving report to them. She made no promises and only said we could try and see how Dean will respond to the treatment. The actual treatment is 30 seconds long.
She took us aside to discuss his brain map which was hard to understand as she explained the results. After leaving her office, I have more questions about it as I wrap my mind around the graphs and charts that are unfamiliar to me. However, it is quite obvious his head injury is profound and the fact Dean is with us is an absolute miracle. The energy in his brain is abnormal which is to be expected with a TBI. Some of his numbers are off the chart and the medications were suppressing some of the true readings from the FFT Map. The graphs showed significant abnormalities in the left and right side of the brain. The metal plate also hindered a true reading of the left frontal lobe. The average brain's energy should be in balance and Dean' energy is clearly imbalanced.
I ran across the street in the blustering winds to get the vehicle in a two-story garage and noticed a quaint Neapolitan Pizzeria. The memories with Dean and experiencing life with him flooded my heart as I longed to run up the stairs with him laughing or of him parking the car and opening my door as he reached down his hand for mine once again. I then loaded Dean into the vehicle and Ruthie waited with him while I ran into the Burger Joint to get lunch. My reality sank in momentarily while I sat waiting and watching people in motion all around me. It's not about the memories of going to restaurants with Dean but living life with him and taking in all that God has created for us to enjoy. We shared our thoughts together and lived life to the fullest like it was our last. But I desire to live so much more of life with Dean and believe God loves us above and beyond what we could ever dream (and I have lots and lots of dreams).  I am blessed but I am a broken vessel.  
The only answer: We need a miracle from God for Dean to be completely restored.
We will continue to seek help and do all that we can humanly do to help Dean in his recovery. But we need to continue pressing into God, reaching for his throne room until His presence is the place we know best. That is my desire for this year and for each of you. Not only for our lives but for your lives as you each face various trials and decisions.
I love Dean today as much as the first day I met him. l remember like it was yesterday, gazing  into Dean's beautiful brown eyes and giving him my word, "to love and cherish him all the days of my life." He smiled with tears in his eyes and I knew love could carry my soul to the place of complete trust with no fear in giving your life to another. I can say with all my heart, He is my hero and the most courageous man I've ever known. As his wife, I want him to be the happiest man that ever lived now and in the days to come. I want to rediscover him all over again and build him up to become the man God has created him to be on earth. I told him the other day, we are packing our bags because were on our way to heaven. He smiled in my silliness as he stood in his standing frame. My head is up in the clouds but my feet our grounded in God's truth. Surely, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I've wondered is it in the midst of our sufferings that God is most glorified. I'm coming to believe it is and I'm longing for day when God shall wipe away all our tears and all things shall be made new! Dean and I wake up in the mornings knowing, this is the day that the Lord has made, rejoicing and being glad in Him. 
God's ways are mysterious but I believe He wants to take us on this incredible journey of faith if we'll trust Him. 
with love,
P.S. This was an email I wrote to our family but I hope to share on the website what has happened over the past 6 months. Thank you for keeping us in prayer!

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